Oh how we hurt the ones we love.

This is very long, and perhaps confusing. As with any family, there’s a difficult dynamic to try and explain; I have no idea if any of this will actually make sense to you.

I called my mom on Wednesday night to see how she was doing with everything, and she mentioned that she had been trying to reach my grandpa for several days and hadn’t heard from him.

My mom and my grandpa have a semi-strained relationship; she still resents him for her childhood- i.e. passing out drunk under the dining room table during her birthday party when she was 10- and he thinks she should be more capable and not let her disabilities- i.e. clinical depression, anxiety disorder, and severe back pain- run her life. They seldom call each other just to chat (I’d say my mom makes 75% of the calls) and don’t have anything near the same relationship that he has with my two aunts, despite the fact that my mom tries hard with phone calls and such, and when times were less lean, always did thoughtful, useful birthday and father’s day gifts. They never fight when they see each other during holiday dinners or anything, they just aren’t particularly close.

On the other side of the coin, my grandpa and I are very close; we share a lot of the same personality traits, mannerisms, sense of humor, hell, even the same birthday, 58 years apart. When I was little he took me fishing often and to his construction sites to “drive” the equipment sitting on his worker’s laps. He started me skiing at his ski school as soon as I could walk and I spent every weekend with him and my grandma during the winter, until I left for college, and a ton of summers swimming in the pool they kept going year after year just for me. On the many nights throughout my childhood that I stayed over at their house, I played board games with my grandpa rather than learn how to bake cookies with my grandma; in a lot of ways I feel like I’m the son or grandson he never had. In the collection of photographs I have that were taken when I was little, dozens have just me and my grandpa in them… I can think of only one that is of just me and my grandma. My grandpa has been there for me in a lot of ways a father would have been, and I am definitely closer to him than I was to my grandma, though I loved her very much. I think in a way we are surrogates for one another, a father and son, as strange as that sounds.

As much as I love him, sometimes he is very selfish and he can be mean… at times it’s hard to stomach. My cousin, who spent considerably less time with him than I did, living four hours away for most of her life, loves him but doesn’t like him very much at all; we’re like sisters but this is the biggest thing we differ on. He’s an alcoholic (an extremely functional alcoholic, which is probably worse than a non-functioning one) and definitely did not treat my grandma as well as he should have in certain areas for a lot of their marriage. It got better as they got older and her health started to fail- small things at first and then into the last few years she when had a stroke, a major surgery, and developed Alzheimer’s. He was always very affectionate with her, called her cute pet names, bought her presents and took her out to dinner, and clearly loved her very much, but that doesn’t really make up for the years of verbal abuse and lack of patience he had with anything he viewed as a mistake on her part. He loves his family very much and has always provided for them, but he was never going to win Husband or Father of the Year.

Everyone has flaws and I’m in no way excusing him from his wrongdoings, but I love him very much and we have a special relationship that is hard for a lot of my family to understand. They think that because I’m the youngest and because we are so close, I don’t really understand how he treated my grandma and why it’s wrong. I completely understand- I spent A LOT of time with them growing up and I have bitten my tongue bloody on more than one occasion, holding back protests at the way he spoke to my grandmother, and I in no way take lightly the fact that one night when I was supposed to be in the truck with him (I made a last minute decision to stay at a friend’s house), he plowed the passenger side into 3 parked cars because he was driving drunk. I understand where they’re coming from, I feel a lot of the same things too, but I also have been lucky enough to experience a large portion of his good side.

Especially when it comes to his relationship with my mom, I have ALWAYS felt put in the middle by the two of them, at every family gathering or even interaction- even when the other is brought up over the phone. So when my mom said that she hadn’t talked to him since they all left the hospital on Sunday night, I hoped it was because my grandpa had been so busy with arrangements, visitors, and phone calls that he just hadn’t had the chance to call her back. After all, when I called him on Monday it took him about an hour to return it. But deep down I knew he was probably ignoring her, which really set me off. My mom started to cry on the phone with me that she wanted to talk to her dad, to make sure he was okay and to see if he needed anything.

I got off the phone with her and called my grandpa, 90% of me hoping that he wouldn’t answer so I could just leave him a message saying I was checking up on him, since my mom hadn’t heard from him in a few days. *hint hint*

Of course he answered on the second ring and after some small talk (how are you doing, have people been visiting?) I said I’d been a little worried since my mom hadn’t heard from him since Sunday. He was immediately defensive- Oh I’m fine, I’ve been making a bunch of phone calls and people have been over all day and what with making arrangements and all that. And your Aunt J has been here during the days and Aunt C has been spending the nights and it’s not like your mom can actually do anything to help, or bring anything over or come see me or anything.

Um, excuse me?

My mom can’t drive and doesn’t have the extra money or food to bring him anything, but HE’S HER FATHER AND HER MOTHER JUST DIED. He’s been spending all his time with his other two daughters and hasn’t even spoken to the third. She has friends who drive and she would be there in a second if he needed her, which he really doesn’t. The least he could do would be to answer her phone calls and talk to her.  This is just another example of how my mom is excluded from the family.  She’s always the last to know what’s going on with the family, and it continually pisses me off.  I don’t want them to enable her, but shutting her out because of her disabilities and the choices she’s made isn’t the way either.

I would think that especially in this hard time my family is going through, they’d try and come together just a little bit.  Clearly not.

Thank You

Firstly, thank you to all of you who have wished me well this week since my grandma passed away.  It didn’t really hit me until Tuesday that I’m never going to see her again, but luckily TB was there to catch my fall… he’s been amazing through all of this.  We’re having a big celebration of her life on Saturday, when I’ll finally get to see my family.  I moved away for space, but at times like this I wish I were closer.  I’m looking forward to seeing a lot of old family friends that will come to say goodbye and celebrate her life with us.  I’m supposed to come up with something to say (or for my aunt to read for me if I can’t) and I’m thinking of writing something based off of my post from Monday.

My second thank you goes specifically to Jess at Du Wax Loolu.  Yesterday I got the package she sent me for winning a contest she put on, and it brightened my whole week.  She included a card that had more than just a little note written in it, which was very sweet.  She is also officially the best present picker-outer ever.  Because I’m lame, you’re getting pictures of the prizes taken with the camera from my computer, because I left my camera at home.

Burt’s Bees is THE BEST.  I love their chapstick and I’ve wanted to buy this little set for myself for FOREVER but I could never justify the purchase.  Ask TB… I was SO EXCITED when I pulled this out:

Yeah it’s backwards, hush.  I didn’t want to take the extra five seconds to upload it into iPhoto and flip it around.

She also sent these adorable little picture frames, which will go PERFECTLY in my palm-tree themed bathroom. You know, once I stop sharing a room with a 5-year-old and get my own place again.

Thanks again Jess!  You’ve inspired me to do my own giveaway soon, for now I know the joy a package from an almost-random stranger can bring.

A big, deep, agonized-over post is coming later today.  But for right now, just thank you.

Grandma

She had three girls, all born in a four-year period in the early 50s.

She raised them mostly by herself, while her husband moved them all acoss the state for work.

She made their clothes, their breakfasts, lunches, and dinners.

She did all the laundry and the shopping and balanced the checkbook.

She dealt with an alcoholic husband with dignity and grace.

She ran the “one-butt” kitchen during holiday dinners with the authority of an Army Sergeant, but also with the love and kindness of a Mom.

She made the best blueberry pancakes, hands down, in the whole world.

She loved to play cribbage, solitare, and bridge, and taught us all to love them too.

She read me my favorite Grover book every time I spent the night when I was little.

She kept the whole house spotless, and yet I never saw her clean.

She always carried an extra tissue in her sleeve, just in case.

She worked hard in her garden, and took special pride in her roses.

She baked cookies from scratch at least once a week, and always made sure we knew they were in the jar on the kitchen counter.

She pinned her hair up into rollers every single night with a million bobby pins so she’d have perfect curls each morning.

She gave me her middle name as my own.

She passed away last night, and I’ll miss her very much.

Some things to tell you…

I’ve started about 4 different posts since Saturday, finally combining them all into one that I was going to post today, but for some reason I keep changing my mind about posting it.  It’s all about TB and OMG YOU GUYS HE’S THE ONE and blah blah blah *vomit* you can’t possibly want to hear more, there’s really nothing new to report, other than that I beat him by 11 strokes when we played putt-putt on this week’s date night and that in a moment of girlish insecurity last night, I asked him when we were going to be official, and with a boyish smirk he said, “Soon. I have a plan.” I am DYING because he’s totally planning something cute and I am absolutely freaking out about what it could be.  Also, his present arrived and he was tickled pink with it.

I’ve been really sick and took two days off from work this week.  Which for some reason still meant I had no time to post or read any blogs?

I feel so very extremely lame for not posting very much and for only talking about TB when I actually do post and for not reading and commenting on your posts.  I’ve been a very bad bloggy friend lately and for that I sincerely apologize.

Also, I bought Hilary Duff’s Dignity and I LOVE IT.  Shut up, it’s an awesome dancey, fun album.

That is all.

Weekend Recap: The I-Want-to-Kill-Myself Edition

Friday: went home from work early, not feeling very well. Took a nap in TB’s dorm room. Got a call from pseudo mom, her boyfriend’s daughter’s plane (got that?) was delayed and they had to drive 6 hours north to pick her and her baby up. (Yeah, her baby. She’s 17.) Therefore, it was my responsibility to clean the entire house. Sweep and mop the floors, dust and do the windows, and do all the dishes that had been piling up since the sink had been broken for three days prior. Was not a happy camper, especially since all I do at the house is sleep. She also felt it necessary to tell me on the phone, through text, and a note left at the house that it was REALLY IMPORTANT that the house look PERFECT and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO A GOOD JOB. Ugh.

Saturday: TB stayed the night and we slept in, then got to work. It only took about… 4 hours. ICK. Once finished, we went back to campus and he met up with his friends to play basketball, while I joined my bestest K for some tennis. TB met K and I to toss some disk, during which I ran over TB’s pile of shoes, phone, wallet, and keys, and subsequently rolled and sprained my ankle badly. Spent the rest of the day hobbling around, miserable on a bright sunny day, plus feeling like I was really coming down with something.

Sunday: Woke up full-blown sick, was admonished for being sick by pseudo mom because there are kids in the house. Said kids were warned to stay away from me. Went to church and T-Bell afterwards, as per the usual. Hobbled around the mall where I bought two shirts and the most awesome sunglasses I’ve ever owned. See:

(Um… yeah. That’s my “cool” pose. Lips pursed, peace sign thrown. Oh yeah.)

ANYWAY. Went to Sunday dinner with the college group, stupidly tried to play basketball on my ankle. Bad idea. Woke up this morning with a golf ball-sized, bruised protrusion on the opposite side of my ankle from where it hurt yesterday. Gahhhh I hate being injured. I can’t do ANYTHING. They were calling me “Tiny Tim” during basketball, and I feel like a complete Gimps McGee hobbling around work. Lame sauce.

All-in-all, actually not a horrendous weekend. It was sunny, and I got play some tennis. And TB and I got to spend a whole night together. Stop what you’re thinking, dirty!

What did you do this weekend?

Also, did you guys know this about the new Batman: The Dark Knight trailer? It’s identical to the trailer for the original Batman that came out in 1989. Freaky. Watch and be amazed.

First date.

I hope you guys aren’t getting sick of me talking about TB all the time.  Quite frankly… I have a feeling I’ll be talking about him a lot.  For a long time to come.  I know this is ridiculous… but you guys, he could be the one.  You know, The One.  I know it’s crazy… but there’s no way I could even fathom something better than what I have right now.

I had planned to post today about the first official date night we had last night.  We played putt-putt (oh I kicked his ass!  But we both did so well that we won free games!), had dinner, and saw a movie (21… great idea… dialogue sucked), and he paid for all of it.  I seriously don’t know when the last time was I went on a date.  A date date date. (A record.  A record record record?)  It was amazing and the whole time I was thinking… this is how it’s supposed to be.  How did I get here?  What did I do to deserve this? I was reading back through my blog recently and I don’t know how many times I said I wanted to find someone who liked me for me (not because I sing like Pavarotti, or because I’m such a hottie. Ahhh…), for just exactly who I am already.  I’ve probably written it about a dozen times.

This morning I had this in my inbox (edited for length because it was really long, and yes I asked his permission before posting it.  I’m pretty sure he said yes because he thinks you guys adore him or something… sometimes I read him your comments):

I have a feeling you’ll check this e-mail for blog comments right when you get to work (wow, he’s already got me on lock), and I won’t be up yet…

I had probably the most amazing time with you last night that I can ever remember having with anyone. It felt like everything a date night is supposed to be. We laughed and acted like children, we talked and held hands, and you made me smile just by being there with me. I love the way you make me feel. I’ve dreamt of someone like you, watched all the movies, and listened to all the songs, and always thought one of two things: A: “Oh, it’s kinda funny how it never happened like that for me, isn’t it? I mean…I loved [redacted], but it wasn’t really like that.” Or B: “I doubt if it’s ever really like that.” Being with you makes me feel like the songs and the movies…makes me think that maybe they knew what they were talking about after all.

You looked gorgeous last night. I can’t remember how many times I looked over at you and just started grinning like an idiot because of how pretty you are. What did you do to deserve me? The reason you’re not finding an answer to your question is because you’re asking the wrong one. What did I do to deserve you? You laugh at me when I’m silly…you truly appreciate the things I do for you. What’s more, you play sports, you’re perfectly comfortable in nice clothes or basketball shorts, you’re easy going and funny, you’re smart and you have goals for your life.

When I got down here last fall, I had high hopes…but I never met anyone. Why, out of all these thousands of people, had I not met someone I really liked? … I was pretty sure, after a little while, that I was just going to have to wait another year before I found anyone who was right for me. Now I realize it was just that I hadn’t yet met you, and that’s what I was waiting for.

I hope you realize how amazing, special, important, and beautiful you are. If not, then I have more work to do. If so…

Well, there’s always more work to do.

TB

You guys, is this real?  This can’t be real.  Does this really happen?  Is it happening to me?

“You glass bitch. Oh YEEEAAH. OH NOOO.”

If you get my title… we’re officially BFF.

Last night I invited TB to come to my volleyball game, which is kind of a big deal for me, as I rarely had people come for me in high school or college, and always got nervous when someone did. We ended up only having 5 members of our team show up, which as you can imagine makes it a lot harder to play. We won the first game and lost the second two- but just barely. We fought hard and I can easily say that I played the best I ever have. My teammate’s husband came as well and one of our other friends took it upon himself to be there and take a million pictures of us all gross and sweaty. It was generally very awesome, even though we lost. Afterwards TB said he was proud of me and my “beastie skills” and rubbed my calves. It was quite nice. Last year T came to a handful of my summer games but never really watched me play or said anything about it afterwards.

For being an extremely awesome non-boyfriend, I bought TB this t-shirt online today:

This is one of our favorite Dane Cook skits and we quote it all the time. “I will kick you in the tights you will go down you are very top-heavy.” I’m really, really excited for the shirt to get here; I CANNOT WAIT to see his face. I almost told him I got him something before I even finished the order, but I’m going to try really hard to keep the whole thing a secret. I told you guys that I have a problem with that here.  Special thanks to my buddy Submarine for helping me decide to get it.

***

Okay, seriously, TB got online while I was finishing this and I told him I got him something, before I could even hit publish.  Dammit I suck.

Weekend Recap: The Coast Edition.

Friday afternoon, over IM while I was at work:

Me: i love this song
Me: i love my flowers
Me: i love lamp
Me: i want to go to the beach
Me: i wish i could be away this weekend, the kids are both with their dads (i hate that sentence) and D and M could use the alone-y time
Me: But I will get to sleep on the bottom bunk! Muwhahahaha
TB: well, the bottom bunk is nice… unless you want to go to the coast…
Me: can’t
TB: seriously?
Me: next weekend after i get paid we can
TB: Okay…that’s not what I said….
TB: I said “Unless you WANT to go to the coast.”
Me: of course i WANT to go to the coast silly
TB: please note that I made no mention of you getting paid
TB: Let’s go.
TB: and I’m totally serious.
TB: Let’s go to the beach.
TB: Right now.
*me being quiet, trying to grasp the awesomeness of what is happening*
TB: Why are we not leaving already?
TB: What is going on?
TB: COME ON!

And so we went. He packed, I picked him up, we went to my house, I packed, and we left. Pictures and stories for you:

“I think we need gas…”

We stayed Friday night with his dad and step-mom, who were both really nice, warm people. TB and his dad have a great relationship; when we walked in his dad said, “Hey buddy!” and gave him a big hug, and his step-mom hugged me when we left. We watched a tape of TB when he was a little kid (so hilarious) and played a board game of Jeopardy! which was a total blast.

The next day we drove onward to the beach. It started out a little cloudy…

We saw a lighthouse…

It got nicer and nicer as the day wore on, and we went down to the beach, and played fetch with the ocean and some sticks…

All of the pictures of me throwing are terrible… but one good close-up came out of it:

Oh yeah… those are my ridiculous calves. ANYWAY.

Story time.

So we’re walking along a particularly pebbly part of the beach, and I wanted to find a heart-shaped rock. I had mentioned earlier that I was looking for one, and as we neared the end of the pebbly bit, I said aloud, “I don’t think this is going to work between us if I can’t find a heart-shaped rock. It’s just not meant to be.”

TB starts pointing out or picking up EVERY SINGLE ROCK he sees. Round ones, square ones, everything qualifies as heart-shaped. It was hilarious. I just laughed at him as he moved his fingers around, covering up parts of the rocks so that they looked like hearts.

We get to some really large boulders that signify the end of the pebbly part of the beach. I say, “Well, I guess it’s just not meant to be. How sad,” and I lean down to put my sandals on. All of a sudden he goes, “Yes it is,” and holds his hand out. I laughed and rolled my eyes, ready for another regular stone. But he was holding this:

I know, right? Seriously… it’s the best heart-shaped rock ever. I may have melted into a puddle right there.

After that we got our feet wet… (I picked out those shorts!)

…and drove over to see Haystack Rock:

We stayed the night at his mom’s and I met his sister, who are both a little less warm than his dad, but nice enough. I saw the town where he grew up, which made us laugh. I’m from a city of two million, and he’s from a tiny beach town. It’s one of the only major differences between us, and we love it. I begged for Starbucks on Sunday morning (they actually have three… and a McDonald’s and a Burger King… and that’s it. No Target!) and he called me a city-slicker. “Whatever,” I said, “you’re a country bumpkin. It smells like cows here.” Fact: there are more cows than people where he’s from.

That afternoon we picked up his 5-year-old nephew and took him to the Tillamook Cheese Factory. Mmmmm squeaky cheese. (Ignore the moppy hair… he’s a surfer boy at heart.)

Really, is there anything cuter than a very tall boy holding a very small one’s hand?

I think not. We took Dylan back to his house, watched him play DS for a little while (I know, a 5-year-old with a DS?), and then started the trek back home.

Two stops for my tiny tank (and I don’t mean the gas tank in my car) and some T-Bell later… we made it. TB actually fell asleep on my shoulder on the way, holding my hand while I drove- so adorable.

It was fabulous. Absolutely wonderful. I’m kind of glowing. And not just from the sunburn.

Grow the f*ck up.

More to come later about my fabulous, amazing, spontaneous trip to the coast this weekend with TB, but for now, her response:

Ha! Thats funny. You wont be recieving anything from us until we get his stuff back. He even told me you still had his baseball stuff and he forgot to get it wen he got his tv. So i suggest you “find” his gear or go scour wat ever good will you gave it all away to this time like you did with all hes clothes wen he left you. And if you cant find everything we’ll just call it even.

What I wanted to say:

a) First of all, I felt sorry for you before, but now that I see you can’t even spell… I pity you.  And I’m embarrassed for you.

b) I broke up with T, boxed up and took his stuff to him- all of it.  There is no baseball gear now, there were no clothes to give away then.  Why are you bringing this up now… 8 MONTHS AFTER HE MOVED OUT?

c) “…wen he got his tv.”  Oh, you mean the weekend we GOT BACK TOGETHER and he DIDN’T TELL ME HE WAS SEEING YOU?   When he slept with me and asked me to marry him?  And I said no?

d) Listen, please.  Clearly he’s lied to you.  He’s cheated on you.  He asked you to marry him to gain some sense of security.  Did he even get you a ring?  With what money?  He’s a quitter, through and through.  He’s never held down a job.  He runs away when things get tough.  You are 19 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you… and you’re throwing it away.

What I actually said:

Nothing.

Wow, really? Really?

Long-time readers will understand why this is ridiculous.  For new-ish-comers, I will be writing a little more on this tomorrow when I get a chance to process it.

Received 1 hour ago via MYSPACE:

Dear B2G,

You probably dont remember me, well we never actually met. I’m M[redacted], T’s fiance. Don’t worry, this isn’t a hate letter or anything like that. T and I have both put what happened Thanksgiving behind us and moved on from it. As you probably found out from [nickname for my brother only his close friends use], T left for the Air Force on Tuesday. He didn’t have much time to e-mail you to ask if you could bring up all of his baseball gear and what ever else of his that is still there next time your in town. So now i have to,lol. If you could, we both would very much appreciate it. I could meet you some where to get everything from you or you can just leave it with [nickname for my bro]. Hope to hear from you. Thank you and have great day!

M (whose display name is “I’M GETTING MARRIED!”)

My reply:

Hi M,

I don’t have anything that belongs to T, but if you guys want to send me a check for the $200 he owes me, that’d be great. Let me know if you want the address.

Congrats and good luck!

B2G

I was talking to TB online and told him what happened. The next thing I knew, he was texting me to walk outside my office… and there he was, flowers in hand. I think I’ll keep him.